it's friday, time to laugh

my last class of the week is over at 950am on fridays. so to kind of let out a sigh of relief... here's some of comedian mitch hedburg's finest. (took this from aaron keyes myspace.) enjoy!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.""

I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."

I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

"I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together". T

he next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the crap does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps crap fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

at my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...